By Victor Lana Trying valiantly to get into the Christmas spirit, Jeff went into the music store in the mall to get a new CD for Ana. She had mentioned that she loved Matchbox 20, so he wanted to surprise her that night when she came over to his place. This was meant to be a pre-Christmas present, for Jeff wasn't sure about what to give her that Thursday. They had been dating for almost three months, and Ana frequently described it as "seeing each other," which meant a loosely connected thing for Jeff. He wasn't looking for anything too serious at the moment, although Ana fit his potential girlfriend categories almost perfectly. She was twenty-eight, blonde and blue-eyed, physically fit, and had interests in films, literature, and travel. The only potential problem was that Ana said she was a Yankees fan, and Jeff bled Mets orange and blue, but he suspected that she was just saying that because of her brother, or perhaps she and her girlfriends were smitten with Derek Jeter, and that didn't indicate any real allegiance to the team he loathed. The store was very crowded on this Saturday before Christmas. Jeff moved in and out of clusters of people who were rifling through the R&B and Rap sections, and he made his way to the back to find Pop and Rock. He was going over the names of the groups alphabetically when he heard the voice. It was achingly familiar and resonant, and Jeff looked up to see Sally, who was wearing a red leather jacket with a matching miniskirt and a tight pink sweater. Her blonde hair was shorter than when they were dating, in kind of a punk style, and the deep red polish on her fingernails matched her lipstick perfectly. "Hi," she said, with a quirky shrug of her shoulders and wide smile. "Hey, Sally," Jeff said, wanting to continue his search, but the sight of her long legs in those red high heels was making him forget what he was even doing in the store. Sally had been browsing in the Q's, which did not have too many selections. She let go of the divider and the CDs all snapped back into place. "I was trying to find Quarter Flash," she said. "My brother's record is in bad shape now." Jeff remembered how Sally loved Quarter Flash and that they had listened to that album many times while making love. "Maybe you'll find it in the oldies section," he said, looking away from her and wondering why they were even speaking. "Yeah, right," Sally said, snapping her fingers. "Tommy's okay?" he asked, referring to her older brother with the cool, if somewhat dated, record collection. "He's in London again," Sally said, leaning her hip against the rack. "He loves the job but he's over there a few times every month." Jeff started feeling uncomfortable, mostly due to the fact that their relationship ended in a messy way. Sally had been unfaithful to him, not with another man, but with a woman. He tried to handle it as best as possible, but decided that he could not, and he walked out on Sally the night before New Year's Eve. Jeff hadn't seen her since and the past year had gone by with some difficulty. He was just putting it all out of his mind with dating Ana and getting on with life, but seeing Sally brought back something he couldn't quite resist feeling or thinking: he might still love her, but he didn't want to even acknowledge that possibility. "Hey, Tommy's lucky in a way." He was just talking as a way of resisting any temptation to touch her. "They have great music stores over there." "Right," Sally said, inching toward him a bit. "Are you going out to the island to see your parents for Christmas?" Jeff made a vain attempt to look down at the CDs and then glanced at her. "Uh, yeah, probably. Going up to Dobbs Ferry?" "Yeah, just like every year: it'll be Mom, Dad, Billy and Cathy, and me. We'll miss Tom though, but he'll be home for New Year's Eve." Okay, Jeff thought, her brother Billy is still with Cathy. She didn't mention another guy, or girl for that matter, going with her. He was strategizing about her status, and Jeff figured if she was still with Melissa that Sally wasn't going to bring her lesbian lover up to see the folks for dinner. At least that was what he wanted to believe. He knew he had to break the situation up immediately, so he turned back to the rack of CDs and said, "I came in to get a CD for this girl I'm seeing, so I better find it." He didn't want to look in Sally's direction, so Jeff started pushing the dividers out of his way until he found Matchbox 20. Sally didn't move away from him and he pulled the CD out and looked at the cover and turned it around to read the back. "So she likes them, huh?" "Yeah," Jeff said, "they're her favorite group." "Are you still working in the city?" Sally asked, moving closer to him again. Jeff looked up from the shiny surface of the CD and nodded. "Yeah, I'm in my third year at the college now." "Will you get tenure?" "I don't know," Jeff said. "I was hoping to get my novel published this year, but I'm still waiting." "You finally finished the novel?" Jeff nodded and Sally went to touch him and he pulled away. "Well, that's just great, Jeff." "Look, Sally, I have to go. Good seeing you." He hated himself for saying that. "Uh, yeah, same here," she said, her expression indicating that she was flustered. Jeff started walking away and shut his eyes in relief. He was getting out of there as cleanly as possible, but then he heard Sally coming up behind him and that possibility ended. "Listen, Jeff, I know I screwed everything up." Jeff leaned his head back and stared at the fluorescent lighting fixtures and Christmas decorations hanging from the ceiling. "Please, Sally, just let me go." "I messed up really bad and you left me and it was never…" Jeff turned around and grabbed Sally's arm. "Look, Sally, it's over now. It's in the past." "I never even got to explain the situation to you." Jeff took a deep breath and exhaled. "Well, it doesn't matter now. I've moved on, okay? I have to go now." Jeff turned and walked toward the door and was almost free until the alarm sounded. He looked down and saw the CD in his hand and was suddenly surrounded by the commotion of store personnel and a security guard. By the time Jeff had explained his situation and was allowed to pay for the CD and leave, he realized that Sally was gone. He breathed deeply of the cold December air as he walked outside and hoped that this aberration could be forgotten as quickly as possible. Since Ana was coming for dinner, Jeff made chicken cacciatore, using his grandmother's old recipe. He uncorked a bottle of Italian white wine, lit candles on the table, and put on 96.3 FM and let classical music fill the apartment. Jeff went into the bedroom and straightened up a bit. Ana had been in there before, but he always liked to make certain it wasn't messy. He realized how much an orderly appearance meant to him but, as he flattened the wrinkles out of his bedspread, he recalled Sally lying in his arms on that bed. Jeff tried to shake the vision from his mind, but Sally was naked against his body, and he touched her face and stared into her hazel eyes. Damn, he thought, goddamn! The bell rang and Jeff composed himself and went to open the front door. Ana was standing there looking lovelier than ever, her long blonde hair on her shoulders, and she was holding a bottle of wine and a cake box. He took the bottle and box from her and put them on the hall table. After being helped off with her coat, Ana spun around and kissed him quickly on the cheek and said, "You're such a gentleman, Jeff." Jeff suddenly felt self-conscious, because he didn't really feel anything like a gentleman. He had ulterior motives and that bothered him. Jeff wanted to feed her and then get her into the bedroom. That was the extent of it. He realized that he didn't love this girl in any way. Ana looked a good deal like Sally; even his best friend Luke had called her a "Sally clone." Jeff liked Ana and didn't want to be using her, not in such a despicable manner. He would have preferred to end it there, but it would be too difficult, and then there was the thought of Sally. Jeff desperately feared that if Ana left that he would jump in the car and drive over to Sally's apartment. He wouldn't be able to control himself, so Jeff decided to move forward, go through the motions, and try to enjoy Ana's company. When Jeff woke the next morning, Ana was lying in his arms, her breasts pressed up against his left side. She was really quite beautiful and almost innocent as she slept, like a child dreaming of Christmas sugar plums. He lay there thinking of nothing but Sally, her image in the music store reverberating in his consciousness. Ana woke up and lifted her head to look at him. "You sleep well?" "Yeah, sure I did," Jeff said without enthusiasm. "You haven't said anything about Christmas," Ana said as she leaned her head on his chest. Jeff had planned to see Ana on Christmas Eve and then spend Christmas Day at his parents without her. He couldn't reconcile bringing her with him after being there with Sally every year. Now, after seeing Sally again, he almost didn't want to celebrate the holiday with Ana at all. "Yeah, we need to talk about that." Ana pushed her hair from her eyes and glanced at the clock. "Oh, it's late; I have to be going." Jeff didn't want to seem as if he were happy she was leaving. "That's too bad." Ana stood up and her lovely body caught the sunshine as she slipped her arms into her blouse. "I have to go somewhere." Jeff closed his eyes and didn't say anything. He listened to her rustling around the room and then going into the bathroom. He thought of calling Sally as soon as Ana left, but perhaps a call was insufficient. Maybe he would drive over to see her, because being with Ana only made him ache for Sally more. Ana came out of the bathroom and shut the door. "Aren't you even going to ask about my day?" Jeff didn't care what she had planned and said, "No." Ana pouted a bit. "It doesn't bother you?" He just stared at her. "I mean, not knowing where I'm going." "Why should it?" Jeff asked. Ana leaned against the wall and, playing with the ends of her hair, said, "I don't know. Maybe it should." Jeff's mind felt numb. "We're just seeing each other." "Oh, right," Ana nodded. "I mean," Jeff sat up and leaned on his elbows, "that's what you're always saying." Ana moved away from the wall and flattened the wrinkles in her skirt. "You're absolutely right, Jeff." "I thought you wanted to see other people." "I did," she said, touching her forehead with her fingertips. "I mean I do." |
"Well, if I must know, where are you going?" Jeff asked. She looked at him and bit her bottom lip. "Come on, you want me to ask, so tell me; what are your plans?" Ana started walking toward the door and looked back at him. "If you must know, I'm seeing my mother today. We're going shopping." Jeff fell back against the pillows and shut his eyes. He would have preferred hearing that she was making love to another man all day. "Have fun." Ana reached into her pocketbook, pulled the Matchbox 20 CD out, and threw it on the bed. She went out and shut the door quietly; Jeff had expected it to be slammed. What was he thinking about Sally for anyway? She had broken his trust and there was just too much pain connected to her. Taking her back would be like surrendering to the notion that his suffering had been meaningless. Jeff lay in bed for quite a long time, thinking about Sally despite his efforts to put her out of his mind. He remembered going to Rockefeller Center with her last Christmas Eve right before he had discovered the situation with Melissa. He had an engagement ring in his coat pocket, but Sally was distant as she leaned on the wall and watched the skaters gliding around on the rink below the huge Christmas tree. As Jeff watched the international flags fluttering in the stiff cold wind, he knew something was wrong and released his grip on the box in his pocket. They ended up crossing Fifth Avenue and going inside St. Patrick's Cathedral. There were crowds of worshippers and tourists milling about the church, and they sat in the back row and stared up at the vaulted ceiling together. Jeff felt at that moment that an intangible distance had grown between them, and Sally turned to him and said, "I have to tell you something." He learned that this something was flesh and bone and blood, something so pernicious that it obliterated the love they had or at least he thought they had. Jeff remembered enjoying Christmastime, but now it was his least favorite holiday. After knocking over the small Christmas tree he had on a table by the window and breaking many of its ornaments, he sat on the sofa watching the Jets lose another game. He flipped through the New York Times and read a few articles, but his mind was muddled with images of Sally. He recalled when they took a trip to Vermont one summer, and she walked around the grounds of the hotel in a red bikini, turning the heads of all the men and even some women. They seemed so happy then, and their lovemaking had been so passionate and vibrant. It still annoyed him that he couldn't perceive Sally's need for this woman Melissa. Luke joked with him that plenty of guys would like their girls to get into lesbian situations, but Jeff couldn't comprehend that. Being unfaithful had nothing to do with gender for him. In fact, Sally's seeking out Melissa almost made him feel worse than if she had strayed with another man. Luke called around four o'clock and asked if he wanted to get a bite to eat at a local steakhouse, so Jeff said he would join him simply to get out of the apartment. Luke was standing outside the restaurant on Union Turnpike, an unlit cigar sticking out of his mouth. Luke was thirty-three and working on Wall Street for nearly ten years. Having never gone to college, Luke did extremely well even during the recent hard economic times. He had short black hair, emerald green eyes, and a starkly handsome face. They had known each other since grammar school, and Jeff could see a sparkle in those eyes that indicated the mischievous nature of his friend that hadn't changed since Kindergarten. They shook hands and went inside the restaurant, taking a table in the back. The waitress brought them each a pint of Guinness and Luke raised it in the air. "To forgetting these wenches who've caused us pain." "No wench has ever caused you pain," Jeff said. Luke still held his pint up for the toast. "Okay, the wenches that have caused you pain." Jeff reluctantly clinked his glass against Luke's and took a sip of the dark stout. "I ran into Sally at the music store in Lake Success Mall yesterday, and now I can't get her out of my mind." Luke put the cigar sideways on the table. He leaned back in the chair and nodded. "Look, you went out with this broad for years. Obviously, you loved her more than she loved you. Now you've got Ana, and man, let me tell you, she's one fine looking gal." "I don't care about her really," Jeff said. Luke leaned forward on the table and made a funny face. "Are you nuts?" "I just like her, you know." Luke sat back, took a few pretzels from the bowl, and started chewing one. "The sex is good?" "Uh, yeah," Jeff said, looking away from him. "I think we're finished though. She left pretty mad today." "Ah, she'll be back," Luke said with a wave of his hand. "Besides, it isn't right if I'm just in it for the sex and she wants something else." "I'm always in it for the sex," Luke said, rubbing his chin and laughing. "What's wrong with a little fun for now? Forget about Sally, man. She's frigging history." History, Jeff thought. Yes, that was exactly the problem. "History is what it's all about, Luke. Sally and I shared so much." "Okay, you just have to get through this." Luke pointed to the Christmas tree in the corner and said, "You see, there's the frigging problem. This time of year is when you met her and when you broke up with her, so now you're thinking about all this crap." "Every time I see Christmas lights I get all funny," Jeff said, taking another sip of beer. "The holidays are hard, my friend. You just have to be stronger than this thing. Call Ana when you get home or maybe go see her and have sex again. It'll do you good." Their meals came and as they were eating Jeff heard the voice nearby. He stopped chewing his cheeseburger and turned around. He snapped his head back quickly after witnessing Sally and Melissa sitting in a booth on the other side of the room. "Christ!" he said under his breath. "Sally's here." Luke looked over and saw Sally sitting in a booth with a fairly attractive woman. "So, who's the redhead?" Jeff leaned forward and whispered, "That's the one." "The lesbo?" Luke asked. "Come on," Jeff motioned with his hand for him to be quiet. "She's not half bad," Luke said, lifting a long French fry to his mouth and chewing the end of it. Jeff glanced over at them and then looked down at his plate. "I want to try to get out of here without her seeing me." "Hey, Jeff," Luke said with a snap of his fingers, "this is a golden opportunity. You see, you can never be together with her again. She's still seeing this one. Now you should be able to get over it." Jeff had lost his appetite and signaled the waitress. He slipped his jacket on his arms and made a valiant effort to get out of the place without Sally noticing him. Luke was right behind him and Jeff winced as he heard Sally say, "Hi, Luke." "Oh, hi there, Sally," Luke said. Jeff turned and sort of half waved at Sally and Melissa. He started walking toward the door and Sally came running over to him. "Can we just talk?" she asked. Luke unzipped his leather jacket and said, "Hey, I'll go talk to Red while you guys chat." Jeff watched with dismay as Luke went over and sat across from Melissa in the booth. "Jeff," Sally touched his arm, "if nothing else, I just want us to be friends." "Friends?" Jeff asked, his mind unable to comprehend her words. "Well, I know we can never be like we were," Sally said. He looked at her directly now, her face seemingly so beautiful and polished, the Christmas lights blinking all around her. Jeff wanted to take her into his arms and kiss her deeply. He tried to focus on what she had said and finally responded. "I…I know that, Sal." "So, why can't we just have a truce? We don't hate each other, right?" Jeff didn't want a peaceful resolution; he couldn't do that because in doing so he would not just admit defeat: he would be acquiescing to the notion that what Sally had done to them was okay. He could never do that. "No, Sal, you can't have it that way." "I still care about you," Sally sort of purred the words and tickled his cheek like she used to do. Jeff pushed away her hand and motioned over to the table. "What about her?" "It's over now; Melissa and I are just friends." "Oh, come on, Sal, you said you thought you loved her." Sally tried to touch him again and Jeff backed up. "Look, I never loved her, Jeff; you're the one I love." Jeff heard Melissa laugh and looked over at Luke who was working his charm with her. "Hey, maybe when Melissa sleeps with Luke, you'll know how I feel." Sally looked over her shoulder at Luke and Melissa. "It'll never happen. She's a confirmed lesbian." She inched toward him, just as she had done in the music store. "I, on the other hand, have discovered that I am bisexual. That's why it happened, but I can control it now." Jeff felt her hands running up and down his arms and he backed away from her again. "I can't take this anymore, Sal. You can't change what happened." "We can move on, Jeff. We can be different than we were, maybe even better." Jeff felt everything coalescing in his mind, a turbulence that threatened to send his head shooting off into outer space. He put his finger in front of his face and said, "I'm leaving, Sal. It's over! Goodbye." He raced out the door into the cold night and ran down to where he parked his car. Jeff started the engine and drove onto Union Turnpike, heading home to his little garden apartment. Jeff wanted to be free, finally and irrevocably free from anything and anyone. He didn't care about Ana and he wasn't going to just have sex with her. Jeff knew he had to forget about Sally and just live his life, even if it meant being with no one for an extended time. Freedom was such a refreshing and liberating idea, but Jeff knew he was only conceptualizing a new reality, and he had to find a way to get there. Jeff turned on the radio and switched channels to avoid Christmas music. He realized how much he hated Christmas and all the lousy songs associated with it. He kept changing the channels until he heard a song by Quarter Flash. He looked up at his reflection in the rearview mirror, smirking at the coincidence of hearing the words "I'm gonna harden my heart; I'm gonna swallow my tears…" Jeff quickly changed the frequency to AM and listened to the news the rest of the way home. |