By: Michael Harvey I knew I misunderstood Grandpa Harvey. What he said made sense to my lecherous sixteen-year-old mind, but I knew he had to mean something different. Or, if he did mean what I thought, Mom must never find out. As far as she was concerned, I didn't know the meaning of the word 'seduce.' At least, not as far as men and women were concerned. For sure not when talking about boys and girls. God forbid it might be about a girl and me. Not until I reached forty, if then. I'm sorry, Mom. I knew exactly what seduce meant. Men and women - boys and girls - not me yet, but you never know. My only confusion lay in being sure Grandpa knew what the word implied. Our conversation centered on normal adult to not-quite-adult subjects. Grandpa started with the usual questions, "How do you like school?" I gave the typical teen, one syllable, answer, "Fine." Another safe question, "What is your favorite subject?" Staying with short answers, I replied, "Science." The probing continued, "Do you have a favorite teacher?" Reluctantly, I switched to a full sentence, almost, "My science teachers." The conversation took a turn to the personal; "Do you have a girlfriend?" This one required evasion. If you admit to even knowing girls, the questioning turns into the Spanish Inquisition, "Who is she? Is she pretty? Does she like you?" All asked one after the other, before a guy can answer even the first one. Then they launch into extracting a complete physical description. I mean, I don't think her doctor knew all of that stuff. I didn't know that kind of stuff, but will admit to being curious. Before I uttered the first feeble denial of knowing for sure there actually was a difference between boys and girls, other than hair length, Grandpa surprised me. He asked, "Do you treat this girl different from the way you treat other girls in your class?" A safe question, easily answered, I thought. "Sure, Grandpa, I ask if I can carry her books in the hall." "Do you talk different around her?" "Well, I try not to tell gross jokes. Stuff like that." "Why?" he asked, with a twinkle in his eyes. "Geez, Grandpa, I want her to like me." "Sounds like you're trying to seduce her." "Uh, no Grandpa, she's not - I mean, I'm not - I mean, heck no " |
This is where I started this story. I mean, did Grandpa know what he said? Did something slip out? Something that he didn't mean.
Grandpa laughed then, a nice grandpa kind of laugh. You know, the kind that makes you feel happy and relaxed and comfortable. Sometimes a kid can talk to grandpas about topics parents and other kids don't understand. But this seducing girls wasn't like that, not by a long shot. I was not comfortable or relaxed, but still happy to be with Grandpa. We kept walking down the edge of the street. I don't remember where we planned to go; we were walking along and having this strange talk. I knew all about babies, I could read, after all. Grandpa said, "Your dad died long before you needed advice about girls." It always made me kind of sad when grownups, who knew my dad, talked about him. They never told me much about him and if I asked questions, they stopped talking. We walked for a while in silence. "A man should try to seduce all the girls he knows." Wow, if Grandpa meant that, my mom sure steered me wrong. I decided I better listen close, so I wouldn't get in trouble. It sounded like get-in-trouble kind of talk to me. "Michael, what I mean is, a man should treat all women special. The special way you treat your girlfriend. Don't really try to seduce them, just try to treat them the way you would if they were your girlfriend. I knew it was too good to be true. Grandpa did not turn on a green, seduce-all-the-girls, light. He only wanted me to treat girls special. No one would argue with that advice. Not even my mom. Not even my girlfriend's mom. Avoid that seduce stuff and Grandpa made sense. This was too good a chance to pass up. Grownups made me squirm a lot. Now it was my turn to make Grandpa squirm. Like it was no big deal, I said, "Grandpa, I liked it better when you said seduce all the girls." He must have kicked a stone, because he stumbled a bit. Right away I asked a big one, "How do we keep from having babies?" There must have been a lot of loose stones on the road, as Grandpa wasn't walking too smooth. My next sentence showed I was being responsible, "I mean, I want to finish school and stuff like that." Grandpa's mouth opened, but his words stayed inside. Without waiting for Grandpa to answer, I asked, "Do you think we should live with her folks if she has a baby? I'm awful young to be a dad, don't you think?" Adults always asked really embarrassing questions, so I tossed in two of my own, "Is seducing girls a lot of fun? Did you seduce a lot of girls?" Grandpa chased me all the way back to his house. He ran fast for an old man. Must come from seducing all of the girls. |